I SWEAR TO GOD IM GONNA JELLYFISH YOUR FACE

In MADEIRA BEACH, FLORIDA, a local man was arrested for pretending to drown, and throwing jellyfish at people. Either this guy is the number one prankster of all time, or he is a supervillain: Aquaman's evil nemisis HYRDOGUY who doesn't get help from sea creatures, he uses them as weapons. Either way, he's an ispiration.

i'm gonna start taking a page out of this guys book and use great white sharks as fucking swords. yeah, the typical thought would be swordfish but who's gonna win in a great white shark sword vs. swordfish sword duel. me and my sword made out of a shark, thats who. i'd probably name my sword JAWSSY JAWSBORNE and have a second weapon made out of a giant LOBSTA named BLACK CRAB-BATH. man this guys is onto something.

It reminds me of the tribes in the amazon who use poison from dart frogs on their arrow heads to make their weapons poisonous. This guy was just out here trying to help us come up with new weapons technologies to employ in the war on terror. this guy isn't a criminal, he's an american patriot.

I DON'T NORMALLY WATCH COMMERCIALS, BUT WHEN I DO, I PREFER THIS ONE.

Ok guys, this dude is the best ever. I actually went out and bought a 12 pack of Dos Equis today just because this guy is the greatest spokesman ever. I'm contacting the ad agents and Dos Equis and seeing if I can get him to give me some beard tips.

I bet this guy is related to me some how. Either him or the bear he saved from that trap.

SWINE FLU UP IN YO ASSSSSSSS

i see all these motherfuckers getting all worried about the swine flu. i'm not really that pissed cuz it lets me wear a HOMER HANKY like a bandana over my face like a cowboy or bank robber. yeah i mean i guess you can worry but it just seems like every year there's some new disease thats mad deadly that's gonna murk us all. I mean it feels like just a few years back there was SARS, and mad cow epidemics and the Bird Flu and some sort of mosquito disease and now the fucking swine flu. You know what, I'm fucking pissed at all of these false alarms. I'm ready for the fucking zombie apocolypse. I haven't been to the doctor in 4 years cuz my immune system got that work and we've been waiting for this shit since the day i've been born.

man if this disease really plagues us the fuck out it'll be the perfect time to start my assault on the nation and world. peep this. so this swine flu reaches epidemic or pandemic or whatever fucking standards and everybody is getting sick and dying. hospitals are overcrowded and eventually just become cesspools of disease where you're garaunteed to catch this shit, and die. people are fucking dying and those who aren't, are seeing death as an inevitable certainty and are doing whatever the fuck they want in the last few months of life. i mean looting isn't even an option, that shit is commonplace as fuck. people are killing eachother to settle the score, people are getting fucked up on drugs that they never would've done had they not seen death so imminent, shit becomes mad violent. The government tries to employ some kind of martial law to keep shit under control but the fucking soldiers are catching the fucking swine too and what do they want to do? patrol the streets and wait to get hit in the face with a rock by Cletus who's fucking pissed that they stole his meth, or are the soldiers gonna want to hang out with their family and try their best to get the most out of life? So yeah the martial law shit doesn't work out so like neighborhood wartribes take control over the cities and shit. Needless to say, I'm gonna be running the midwest in like 72 hours.

theres gonna be ways to detect the virus in people and shit and the healthy ones are gonna try and quarantine off the sick ones but so many people are so fucking LAME their gonna try to sneak their sick ass loved ones in and fuck all that shit up so thats where i come in with my brolic ass white blood cells and my dog (dogs can't catch the shit.) I'm gonna be out here BALLING doing dirt and whipping around in fly ass cars of dead peeps drinking expensive ass booze smoking that grade a pandemic kush with some mad RAY GUNS and whatever the fuck else i looted from tha government doing my dirt on my gritter just being dope as hell and the government is gonna approach me like 'please help us cleanse the URF' and i'll be like 'ayo good usage of the word URF and not EARTH, lets me know you're not a fucking square." So i just roll up in the clean colonies and i'm like "AY. DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TRY SOME SHIT TO SNEAK YOUR SICK HOMIES IN OR I'M GONNA STICK MY FUCKING FOOT UP YOUR NOSTRIL SO FAR YOU WILL DIE YOU FUCKER." But anyways I use the fear of that threat to weed out all the sick dukes living in the clean colonies and then i decide yeah maybe we should get rid of this disease so I go around just straight up murking shit with my STRIKE FORCE TEAM which consists of Me, Mickey Rourke, Anderson Silva, Ray Lewis, and OBAMA and we go out and destroy tha SWINE HIVES that are these huge stockpiles of dead pigs that we originally quarantined but the combination of all that pigness created like some massive atomic bomb pig effect and made shit even worse, and while me and my squad are out doing our dirt and GAT DOWN MURDA SQUADING all over the swine hives we realize that there's this race of super pigs behind everything trying to get back at humans for all the wrong shit we did to them with bacon and ham sandwiches and all that, so i'm fucking heated cuz i hate PETA and i love ham sandwiches so i run up to the leader pig who's like 9 feet tall and made of golden armor and I just steal off of him hard as fuck and knock that bitch unconcious and me and obama are like "YEAH WHAT BITCH WE THE BEST WHERE KHALED AT WE THE BEST" and then we hear this ominous low chuckling and the REAL GIANT EVIL PIG IN CHARGE EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS AND SPEARS OBAMA THROUGH THE CHEST WITH HIS TUSK AND OBAMA'S LIKE "uhh....uhhh....you better kill the shit out of this fucker for me oh man this is whack as fuck TUSK?!!?!?! MAN FUCK!"

I'm like 'oh crap sorry man' and i kind of think about some other sad shit but then i think about sticking my foot up in this giant pigs ass so we square up and have this epic battle where you think i'm gonna lose but i'm just like 'roflz man this dude sucks at fighting but we need drama lololololol i wonder what's on tv tonight' and then i fucking rear naked choke him out and then start eating his face and stabbing his brain and shit and Mickey Rourke is like 'YEAH, BACON BITCH.' and then I give him THE ROCK BOTTOM and he dies and we laugh and I tell Mickey man you should've probably died instead of Obama unless Sin City 2 comes out with the quickness.

and then we go back to the main stronghold with all the survivors with the leader pigs head on a BIG RIG like 'WE GOT HIM!' and everybody cheers but then i give them the mean face and tell them to shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich and thats where "THE BILLY CLUB" from jimmy johns came from HOLLA BACK.

HOVA.

WTF AT THIS HUGE DIFFERENCE IN FRAGILITY

is that even a word? fragility? yeah i'm sure it is and if it's not, it is now. well i was pretty astonished while peeping out the news today to see these two stories about people and their ability to take damage. So this chick in Mississippi gets shot in the head, survives, and gives the police officer who came to the house following the attempted murder tea. Seriously. Her husband, who had been given a restraining order barged into her crib, shot her in the head, went to the back yard and shot himself in the face and died. The bullet passed through the 47 year old lady's brain but caused no significant damage. When the police arrived she had a napkin held to her head and offered them tea. Wow.

Meanwhile, some young kid in New Mexico got killed in a co-ed softball game, when a softball hit him in the neck. It wasn't even off of the bat, somebody tried to throw him out at home, he got hit in the neck, and died.

I really think that my homie THA GRIM REAPER is fucking up. Maybe we've got the old switcheroo going on, mixed up order forms. This can't be right.

Maybe these guys are the real life inspirations for the M. NIGHT SHAYMALAN flick "UNBREAKABLE."

Oh but it turned out that HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME and the softball really wasn't a softball it was an alien that didn't like water but liked plants so was like 'hmhmhmhmmh' and the husband thought it was 1739, where it was perfectly fine to shoot your wife as long as you dressed up like a pig first.

did i lose you yet?

sorry.

"Those who new Alberto say that he died right in the place he lived for." I don't know man. I'm not usually the type of guy to talk shit aobut a dead person but why the fuck did he live for co-ed softball? That's like saying 'oh man it's cool that billy got killed while walking to the mailbox, cuz he lived for mail. oh man it's all right that sally died while reading that book because she sure loved reading books." You don't live for fucking co-ed softball, it's a recreational activity and it doesn't make his death any less tragic or romantic or whatever the fuck else you're trying to make it seem like. What a whack ass spin. If this kid was playing in a charity softball for neck injury patients and this happened, that'd be a fucking story to write about. On another note, we need to get whoever threw that ball onto the TWINS roster ASAP. we're HURTING.

"WHATCHA GONNA DO....WHEN THE HULKAMANIA CUTS YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF?"

My main homie Hulk Hogan is catching some heat as of late for saying he understands my other main homie, THA JUICE, O.J. Simpson. His homicidal rant was prompted by finding that his wife is dating one if his daughter's friends during their divorce.

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat," he told a magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."

When a beast like THA HULK starts making threats like this, you better fucking listen. A lot of dudes are trying to clown like 'Oh man, this isn't like Hulk, what about say your prayers and eat your vitamins?' Fuck that. This is exactly like the hulk. Yeah sure he may have said some friendly shit once in a while, but we're talking about a maniac who made a living grabbing people and dumping them on their head. And most these motherfuckers must not remember the "Hollywood Hogan" days. Hey, howabout I beat your fucking ass unconscious with a steel chair and then spray paint the name of my gang on your lifeless body.

OOOOH WRESTLINGS FAKE. Shut the fuck up. Yeah we fucking know but I wonder how well the 'Wrestling is fake, therefore wrestlers = pussies" theorem goes over with Chris Benoits family. These guys are roided out freaks of nature who cut their own heads open for fun.

I hope theres a fucking episode of Brook Knows Best where Hulk comes in brandishing a Crocodile Dundee knife, murks like 30 kids, does THA ATOMIC LEG DROP to that gay ass dude who lives with his daughter, and goes on the run in a white Hummer.

THUNDER LIPS BITCH

If I was that 19 year old kid, I'd be pretty scared. Nah, actually if i was that 19 year old kid I'd be like 'oh what up hulk,' tell him that i'm only fucking his beastly ass wife to create a monster kid like ONGO PANGA THA CRUEL (You know, the Murkwater Raider who would steal only the beastliest women to carry his children to create a super army of his sons who, with Ongo and the beastly women genetics, would have physical attributes that were overwhelming to the rest of the realm) and then jacknife powerbomb him.

obama'd.

BACK WITH A VENGEANCE

Hey Guys, sorry I haven't been updating this shit. I've been busy growing my beard, grabbing people by the face and stealing their souls, writing my books ("A Pike: Your Head Will Be On One - Tha Chronicles of Tha Murkers," and "The Enormous Life of Frank Murda,") and hanging out with MY DOG. HOLLER.

Anyways, I've got big plans of Jupiter's Ghosts, and hopefully at this point living my bad ass life will allow enough time for me to give you guys a little peak into it every couple days via updates.

Some shit that I've been enjoying as of late.

Spike TV's The Deadliest Warrior. While I've got my qualms with the show, it's still pretty dope. I may have to breakdown each episode on here for you guys.

Assassin's Quest. My homeboy Fitz Chivalry is a motherfucking G.

Bubblegum Populace 3. This Tha Dope. Bubblegum Populace 3 is an underground mixtape series hosted by Lendo Duggan that features dozens of dope underground rap artists and groups and this third installment included offerings from Apathy, Louis Logic, Celph Titled, Okwerdz, Tragic Allies, Skyzoo, Cormega, Blame-One, and Rhymefest. Not to mention, yours truly. I've got two tracks that made the mixtape and am pretty pumped to be featured on a tracklist that includes such dope heads. This shits available for free download at http://www.bp.offersgo.com definetly check that out.

Some stuff that's been pissing me off lately.

The Vikings lack of quarterback pursuing. I mean sure, they've gotten their hands on Sage Rosenfels, but he's still a backup. There were two MONSTRA QB's that were dealt this off season, that the Vike's should've been gunning for. Matt Cassel went for a 2nd round draft pick. WTF. Let's get this done. The Vike's are one, (albeit a very large) piece away from a Superbowl Championship. GET EM.

Your mom. Tell her that It was a drunken mistake and I'm not answering her calls for a reason. She needs to get her GWAP up fucking with a boss, I can't be dealing with those TV dinners. HOLLER BACK.

I don't know man i'm just pretty pissed all the time so it's difficult to really put into words what makes it happen because it's pretty much "all."

shut the fuck up.

HOVA

UH-OH PRESENTS.... RECIPE FOR DISASTER

My homie Uh-Oh just dropped his newest mixtape, "Recipe for Disaster vol. 1" and is blessing the internetz with a free download. Some super sick soulful production laid down my mans and them. Peep it out.

1.Intro
2.Heat - Relentless, Aztech, Lateb
3.Essential - Kannon
4.Wake the Fuck up - Rikdik, NON, Nosik
5.Compatibility - 13adluck
6.Can We Pretend - JS Free
7.Heartfelt Sorrow - aDDlib
8.Hey Girl - Dead Poet
9.Struggle - Halfabrick
10.Stuff to Do - 13adluck
11.Tough Times - Kannon, JS Free

all tracks produced by Uh-Oh.

http://rapidshare.com/files/193821493/Uhoh_Presents_-_A_Recipe_For_Disaster.zip