TINA, CALL ME.

Umm, I kind of know this is a weird way to address this, so I apologize. Anyways, I broke my blackberry a couple days ago and I lost your number and email so I can't even get in contact with you. So if your reading this, and I'm pretty sure you are, I had a great time the other night and definetly would like to do something similar soon. Drop me an email with your number when you get the chance.

P.S. you looked great on last night's episode. "Did somebody say slingblade?" you kill me.

DRAFT THIS SNAKE

So the other day I'm watching TV and some shit comes on about 'spitting cobras,' and I found out there's three different types of cobras (the red, the black-neck, and the white-and-black,) who can actually spit their venom out and blind other animals. ILL. They said that the spitters were deadly accurate, like proffesional baseball pitchers, so I came up with the greatest idea ever.

I’m creating a baseball team that only consists of me and cobras. Yeah my snake homies might have a little difficulty holding bats and shit, but I’m pretty sure that we’ll win every game due to forfeit after my ace pitching staff BLINDS THE SHIT out of everybody on the opposing team. And even if they don't, I'm still on the team, which is unfair in itself. We’re probably gonna be an expansion team from Ghetty Green called the “MURDERERS,” or the "MAGINIFICENT MURKING MURDERERS"

Well I decided to have some dudes from the Discovery channel do some research and development for my team and scout out some draft prospects. Well rather than tell me which spitting cobra was the most bad ass, and looked cooler in the awesome armor/uniforms I made, they tried to figure out how the snakes were able to shoot this venom so far and be so accurate.

"This really boils down to geometry," Bruce Young, study leader explained. "Since I am moving linearly at a distance from the snake, the snake need only make slight angular movements to follow me. Once the cobra starts spitting, it accelerates the movements of its head, and this enables the snake to actually 'lead' its target and spray the venom to where it thinks the target's eyes are going to be."

Hey Bruce, thanks for taking so awesome as COBRA’S SPITTING BLINDING VENOM and gaying it the fuck up with some lame ass shit like MATH. Get the fuck outta here.

When these results were presented to me, I shut the whole project down and decided my time could be better spent releasing all my snakes into an orphanage. Don’t worry about it, who the fuck’s gonna care? Their PARENTS?

STEAL MY JAWS

AYO. Sorry to get your hopes up. This is not about gigantic man-eating sharks.

So some dudes in Alabama apparently robbed the local volunteer fire department for their ‘jaws of life,’ you know, that thing that rescues people from mangled cars after accidents.

The machine is worth $12,000.00 but I’m not really sure as to how hot jaws of life’s are on the black market, and I’m pretty sure you can’t just go and pawn them off. Maybe this is the first step of an intricate plot that involves a car accident with a high ranking government official, so when the next town over’s jaws of life are being rushed to the scene of the accident by police escort we’ll.. I mean the guys or whatever will be able to rob the shit out of the town bank with no interference.

When I saw this shit about the jaws of life I decided to do some research on it, and found out that it’s like a fucking handheld thing that only weighs 60 pounds. I always figured it was fucking gigantic and awesome and looked like a mechanical dragon or something. Yeah, I had no idea what the fuck a jaws of life was because I have my own way out of mangled cars called jaws of ME.

So I didn’t know what that pussy as shit was because I can rip steal into ribbons with my bare hands. That’s just ignorance on account of being awesome.

9 YEAR OLD KID MAKES PITBULL TAP

So this youngster Drew Heredia exhibited some extreme bad ass and saved a 12 year old girl and her pussy ass dog from the jaws of pit bull, by applying a rear naked choke, a submission maneuver he learned from his Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes. Rear naked chokes are a commonly used tactic in Mixed Martial Arts, and looks something like this.


(While it’s usually seen used between two bloody hairy beast men, I like this version better.)

Not only did Drew have the balls to apply the chokehold on the dog, he held it for over 20 minutes, waiting for police to arrive. G-SHIT.

Anyways, This comes at a perfect time. With MMA’s huge rise in popularity over the past few years, it has become the target of pussies and lame people every where. These dorks like to claim that MMA is a barbaric, violent sport, and sometimes even referred to as ‘human cock fighting.’

Hey FUCKS. When’s the last time fucking Chess or Book Reading saved a 12 year old girl from a pit bull mauling? Yeah bitch, I said it. Let’s weaponize the fucking world by forcing them to watch Royce Gracie tapes.

Well back to the real issue. Is Drew Heredia really just a tough 9 year old who displayed some great courage? Or does the blood of the warrior flow through his veins? His parents should really allow me to take him under my wing, show him the ways of the Masters of the Universe, accidentally let him get swayed to the wrong side by my nemesis’s evil ways while I’m busy warring with the Southron Lords, and end up murdering him in a terrible bloody battle of the ages where we blow up the moon.

DUDE TRADES DAUGHTER FOR BEER

Some guy named Marcelino Martinez in California aranged a marriage to his 16 year old daughter for $16,000.00, 100 cases of Corona, 50 cases of Modelo, six bottles of wine, 50 cases of soft drinks, 50 cases of Gatorade, and some cases of meat. He got arrested when he told the authorities that he didn't receive the expected payment.

This guys facing mad criminal charges now, including procuring a child under age 16 for lewd and lascivious acts, statutory rape and cruelty to a child by endangering health.

I don't know about you, but this sounds like some old bullshit to me. Apparently arranged marriages are pretty common in Martinez's Indigneous Mexican Trique community, and he obviously was completely unaware he was doing anything wrong since he called the police himself. The age thing could come into question, but marriage in California is legal at 16 with parental consent, which was obviously there.

I mean we're in America and the whole arranged marriage thing doesn't really fly here, but it looks like we're just picking on this guy who's following a family tradition and BEING A FUCKING HUSTLER AT THE SAME TIME. I mean people sell themselves all the fucking time. Are we arresting those gold digger whores in Orange County who marry rich ass old timers who are on their death beds? No, we're not. We're giving them fucking reality TV shows, and now we're coming at Mr. Martinez's Dome piece because he wanted some fucking CERVEZA and not a diamond ring. FUCK THAT.

If the girl who got 'sold' had complained maybe we could look at it in a different light, but being that this was in San Francisco, the Bay Area police have more shit to worry about, like maybe not murdering innocent unarmed men in cold blood.

RIP Oscar Grant.

GET TO KNOW.

I'm thinking about starting a monthly thing about bad ass dudes. I'll probably forget to do it every month or just keep putting myself, but for now, we're rocking with the illest dude ever, Tom Waits.

"if i ever met tom waits, i'd like to tell him that san diego serenade is the most beautiful thing i've ever heard in my entire life. i'd like to play him my rendition and recieve his praise. i'd like it if i could hang out with him for a while and buy him a johnny walker black on the rocks and say i wish i could buy him the blue but couldn't spare the money and he'd understand and say that he preferred black anyways. i'd like to tell him that he doesn't understand the profound impact that his music has had on my life and he'd wonder or not if i was bullshitting because i'm far too young and my pants are far too baggy to really wonder what it felt like to have clouds like head-lines on a new front page sky, but i hope he'd get it.

and he probably would. at least that's the way i plan it out"

-ryan dooley 'i'm on that shit,' 2007

MADE MY FILM DEBUT

check out the trailer, yo.



In my major motion picture debut, I get to kill everything. It's roughly based upon that one time those FUCKERS woke me up too early. Yeah you know what I'm talking about.

Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't actually in Armageddon, the asteroid was just based upon my likeness.

TEACH ME A THING OR THREE

Man, it seems like these teachers can't get enough of their students now-a-days. This week, two more female teachers have ended up "sexually abusing" some of their students. We've got Sharron Kay Hrozek from Houston, and Beth Ann Chester from Pennsylvania adding to long list of female teacher predators.

The common response to this is "Man, where were these teachers when I was in high school?!!" and that's because a common response comes from a common man. I'll tell you where they were. Picking out the perfume I like and changing my grade to an A+, that's where. I raileed every decent looking chick with a teaching degree from 3rd grade on. Even some ugly ones, just so I could continue slapping the shit out geeks with no repercussions. Now that it's clear that this type of shit has been around forever, we've got to figure out why all of the sudden everybody's getting caught.

The biggest reason kids and teachers are getting caught now are cell phones. Let's start deleting text messages, people. I figured it was common knowledge to delete everything off your phone almost immediately to avoid snooping parents and jealous breezy's, but i guess for some of these dudes a naked picture of their bio teacher is a prized possession. The reason there's been so many of these affairs being discovered as of late, is directly correlated to the number of kids with cell phones.

The next reason has got to be haters. Stop hating you assholes. "Man, Timmy Peterson just railed that hot teacher. LETS THROW HER IN JAIL." Hater alert. When you see me out pimping your bitch, don't get mad, motherfucker, get rich. Sharron Kay Hrozek and her 'victim' were caught by unfortunate circumstances though. The assistant principal caught Ms. Hrozek performing fellatio, after a Janitor informed him that a teacher and student were in a classroom after hours with the lights off. We can't really throw a hater flag in the direction of the janitor because you know damn well he would've had to clean that shit up. If I was the janitor though, I would knocked, busted in buck naked like 'Daddy's here.' and busted her down. OBAMA'D.

In conclusion, I'm the best.

GENIUS LOVES COMPANY.

I recently sat down with super dope hip-hop producer Uh-Oh, from Akron, Ohio, to talk about his upcoming mixtape, “Recipe for Disaster volume 1.” The conversation drifted a little bit outside of the realm of hip-hop and we touched on some really heavy topics like religion and alien life. PEEP OUT UH-OH'S ILL BEATS @ www.myspace.com/uhohsbeatpage, and take a gander at one of the most incredible conversations ever. The University of Western East Canada has contacted us for a lecture dealing with the issues we address.

Uh-Oh: “Dooley, the scary thing is, God really is only a 12 year old. Think about it.

He created the universe, and made stars to light the universe and give warmth to nearby planets, and essentially made LIFE and all that great stuff.

but like, look at like how much time has passed on all things we know about the universe….

so many billions and billions of years

but for something that is immortal and lives in all things and is basically the illest dude ever who like lives forever, maybe the universe seems still new to him, a new toy given to gods when they come of age or something to dictate.

And he was that asshole who always slept in class and fought after school, so he’s bitter now he has a universe and doesn’t know what to do.

So he creates life and offers a sacrifice to the god of all gods and rips part of his godly being from his soul and puts it in his universe, so all life will have pieces of his soul embedded in them. This is all he gave them because the moment they die there soul returns to the ALL and all the knowledge garnered helping him perfect his craft.

He’s a bad man.”

Dooley: “I always thought that it would be tight if we were like a science experiment, or maybe like part of a big ass game. Like pokemon cards or whatever, but instead we're like universes and it's in like a fucking box and dudes trade their boxes and shit and maybe they'll have like wars where they unleash their bad ass box onto another one.

And all the unexplained shit that has happened on earth is a result of our box getting traded, or maybe even the same owner like 'pffft i'll never be able to beat sharktilli 9 with those stupid dinosaurs, lets try some new shit. ICE MONSTERS ARE ILL, LETS FUCK WITH THEM.

BLAM.
ICE.

Oh look at these little dudes with sticks and shit, they're smart. oh wow, they're ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. I'm going to help them out and make temples and shit to start like industry and civilizations and shit. Peep out this pyramid YO.

BUT THAT'S HACKING.

So he leaves no record of his meddling.

like we don't know how the fuck pyramids and Stonehenge got here but it was USERNAME GHEAAEEA~44 hacking and pwning newbs trying to help us out. Because honestly, how the fuck are we as humans going to create these amazing structures that couldn’t even be made with our technology today and not leave some type of record to as how we did it. Humans inherently want recognition, so an absence of records has got to be on purpose. It was our homie the GOD who cheated.

But now he's all fucking busy in the other corner of his universe in a box preparing his TURAKJASS for battle with SHARKTILLI 9 and that dude fucking forgot about us, that’s why there’s no fucking miracles and shit anymore.

But these motherfuckers play for keeps, and SHARKTILLI 9's bout to scoop us up, see that we're whack as fuck compared to his guys, wipe us out, and THAT’S WHAT 2012 is.

I just hope sharktilli 9 sees the promise in us. We first flew in 1905 and made it to the moon in 1969.

That’s some pretty big fucking LEAPS.”

Uh-Oh: “If aliens were to actually come to earth they’d probably be like 10 billion times better at killing then us because they have the technology to actually traverse space and essentially time to get here from wherever they’re at.

so like us with guns and nukes, against them with whatever they got

would be like 1000 guys with arrows and swords verses 1000 guys with ak's

but in hand to hand combat we probably run shit.”

Dooley: “Nah, PEEP THIS.”

What if these aliens have a way to eat like plants, like photosynthesis YA DIG? Then they would have never developed killing, like us. So they come and they're like 'HMHMHMH WE'RE GONNA MURK YOU BY BLOCKING OUT THE SUN!"

So we respond like "What the fuck? SHADE IS ILL. NUKE, FUCKERS," and we blast these motherfuckers out of the way with the quickness.

But that's only the first wave of ships, and the remaining waves get scared as fuck like "OH MY GOD. THESE GUYS DON'T NEED 'SKADFAEE!!' (thats what they call sunlight)TO SURVIVE LIKE US. AND THEY KILLED EVERYBODY IN ONE SECOND. THEY ARE THE MOST DOMINANT EVIL CREATURES EVER. LEAVE THEM ALONE." and they spread word of our bad ass across the galaxy.

Then the remnants of a race that was destroyed by those intergalactic raiders that we OBAMA'D come to us and give us the secrets to interstellar travel and shit as long as we help them avenge the slaughter of their people with our awesome bombs and nukes and shit.

THEN WE GO ON A RAMPAGE BECAUSE WE APPLY THE THINGS LEARNED BY THE INTERSTELLAR SECRETS TO OUR WEAPONRY, SO EVEN THOUGH THE ORIGINAL GALACTIC RAIDER GUYS KIND OF LEARNED FROM US, THEIR RUDIMENTARY COPIES ARE CRUSHED BY OUR INCREDIBLE NEW SUPER WEAPONS AND LIGHT SPEED TRAVEL.

Then we go mad imperial all over the galaxy and say we're spreading democracy.

UNITED STATES OF SPACE BITCH.”


Uh-Oh: “OH SHIT.

RUNNING SHIT.

If we do ever accomplish a way to travel like that and like map out all the planets and stuff, I wanna go live in Midkemia.

Sure its always plagued my different types of destruction, the tsurani, the serpentmen, the demons, the voidwalkers…

But hey, me and Pug would be homies. I’d share my earth knowledge with him and make him and Tomas beats to ride into battle with. And when they go to fight demons I’ll sample Elton John or like Barbara Streisand and the music will essentially throw off their enemies’ senses allowing Tomas to run rampant through them with his golden Valerhu sword and Pug to blow them to smithereens with the powers of the god of magic.

Yomesain?”

Dooley: “I can dig it.

One thing i always thought was fucking weird was that we beam shit out into the universe right? the sound we beam out is a fucking humpback whale.

What if some space men actually speak humpback whale, and the whales are saying "hey fuck you pussies, i eat squid" and we're just beaming out that bullshit.

Lame.

We should beam out my voice saying "I AM THE GALACTIC OVERSEER OF THE PLANET ARKTRON. MY FACE IS MADE OF THE FACES OF THOUSANDS. BEND THE KNEE OR FIND SOLACE IN EXTERMINATION."

Uh-Oh: “That would be dope as fuck.”

THE END. SORT OF.


BTW it’s ARMAGEDDON WEEK on the history channel so watch that shit if you want to get CREEPED OUT.

ITALIAN WOMEN ARE PISSING ME OFF

In Naples, Italy, a large group of women forced men into the worst predicament ever and made them choose between blowing shit up, and doing the nasty.

The women formed an organization called “Se Spari, Niente Sesso" (If you shoot, no sex,) which they cleverly disguised as a way to cut back on firework related injuries on New Years Eve. Hey, noble cause you assholes. Three retarded kids get their fingers blown off every year trying to shove a m-80 up a bullfrog’s ass, and that’s just god’s way of telling them that Bullfrogs are clearly more important than your pinky, you little shit. Let’s get rid of sex and explosions, which are the only productive emotional outlets that dudes have, and watch them destroy the world.

The devil is clearly at work here. Next thing you know men are going to be faced with a fighting vs. pizza argument brought up by some man hating Brazillian women’s group or something. Hey 2009 you’re off to a great start. You’ve already decided that the Vikings were too awesome for the remainder of the play-offs, and now you’ve got hot Italian women who I used to love pissing me off. If I find out Giada (the gorgeous host of the food networks’ ‘Everyday Italian’ is involved, I might just go Pat Williams all over all your asses.


(^Giada.)

Fuck it, even if she’s not, I’m going to BLOW EVERYTHING UP AS A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR PROTESTS, YOU ITALIAN SKANKS.

Fight fire with raging hellfire inferno and brimstone, irrational hatred, and awesome. That’s my motto.