DRAFT THIS SNAKE

So the other day I'm watching TV and some shit comes on about 'spitting cobras,' and I found out there's three different types of cobras (the red, the black-neck, and the white-and-black,) who can actually spit their venom out and blind other animals. ILL. They said that the spitters were deadly accurate, like proffesional baseball pitchers, so I came up with the greatest idea ever.

I’m creating a baseball team that only consists of me and cobras. Yeah my snake homies might have a little difficulty holding bats and shit, but I’m pretty sure that we’ll win every game due to forfeit after my ace pitching staff BLINDS THE SHIT out of everybody on the opposing team. And even if they don't, I'm still on the team, which is unfair in itself. We’re probably gonna be an expansion team from Ghetty Green called the “MURDERERS,” or the "MAGINIFICENT MURKING MURDERERS"

Well I decided to have some dudes from the Discovery channel do some research and development for my team and scout out some draft prospects. Well rather than tell me which spitting cobra was the most bad ass, and looked cooler in the awesome armor/uniforms I made, they tried to figure out how the snakes were able to shoot this venom so far and be so accurate.

"This really boils down to geometry," Bruce Young, study leader explained. "Since I am moving linearly at a distance from the snake, the snake need only make slight angular movements to follow me. Once the cobra starts spitting, it accelerates the movements of its head, and this enables the snake to actually 'lead' its target and spray the venom to where it thinks the target's eyes are going to be."

Hey Bruce, thanks for taking so awesome as COBRA’S SPITTING BLINDING VENOM and gaying it the fuck up with some lame ass shit like MATH. Get the fuck outta here.

When these results were presented to me, I shut the whole project down and decided my time could be better spent releasing all my snakes into an orphanage. Don’t worry about it, who the fuck’s gonna care? Their PARENTS?